Fish or not to fish

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

Gotta Pee
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
 Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had
 gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
 of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
 that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
 proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the  women's husbands was
 concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
 was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
 husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to
 stop!  I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife
 came home with no panties!!'

 'That's nothing,' said the other husband,  'Mine came
 back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'

Dinner Time in Eagle River, Wisconsin

These people living in Northern Wisconsin put some corn out in the dead of winter to sustain the area deer.
When I said the deer up here were as thick as cats and dogs, I wasn't far off.

 

Wrong Email Address......Ha Ha

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
 particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
 they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
 schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So,
 the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
 wife flying down the following day.
 
 The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
 so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
 left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his
 error, sent the e-mail.
 
 Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
 her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
 following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail
 expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed
 and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
 and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
 Subject: I've Arrived
 Date: October 16, 2004
 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
 and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just
 arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
 prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

 Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
 as mine was.
 PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

GUTS & BALLS
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do
you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the
guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the
guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
balls to say, 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death.  

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb,
and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me.”

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize
that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately the baby, was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said,
" What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said,
"He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
Can he see?" "Yes, the mother replied, "we are so thankful.
The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision "
"That's great," said little Johnny, "cuz he'd be outta-luck if he needed glasses."